Good morning!
I have not written much lately, because we have all been under the weather here. But I found this quote, and I found it quite interesting. "Justice without strength is helpless, strength without justice is tyrannical. Unable to make what is just, strong. We have made what is strong... just.
Thank you Doolittle for your comment. I wasn't sure how people in this area would receive that first post. I showed it to my husband and told him how everytime I would write something in the past, I would erase it. I guess out of fear that people would view this with a lot of negativity. So I told him that I finally let it go and let the blog go on display. However, with that being said, I wanted to once again state the fact that I in spite of what has been vented, I am truly proud of not just my husband, but also my nephew who served a tour in Iraq, and every soldier that signed on for this mission as well as in Afghanistan. And I am also proud of my children for being so brave as well as all the other thousands of them that have a parent in a combat zone or should I use the technical term and say "occupational zone." These kids are amazingly strong, and sometimes I wonder if this is are the generation of kids that will finalize the change that is needed.
I remember the moments that I would be missing my husband so much, and when I would see his eyes looking at me through my daughter's stare, it was very painful but yet comforting to know that he was in all of my children. But then sometimes I would catch myself imagining what it would be like to stare into those same eyes, if I ever had the burden that so many others had, and tell them that he wasn’t coming home.
Sometimes I wonder if I was blessed by his injuries, because I know he wanted to be able to retire from the Army. I know that probably sounds very selfish, but things are not looking good in Iraq right now and his unit is about to ship out again towards the end of this summer. I guess your heart starts becoming very cold after it is tormented with silent roll calls almost on a daily basis. My husband asked me once; if I would be able to go on living if he did not come home. To this day, I could never answer that, because after seeing so many widows having to do just that, they seemed much stronger than what I imagined myself to be. He made me promise that I would continue with my life, but that was a promise I couldn’t make because part of me died just watching him go into lock down a few hours before they left the base.
Sometimes I look back on my childhood, and think about how at the age of around 6, I had and still have a great respect for the soldiers of past war. And although I never met any before World War II and Vietnam, I have always had the same respect for all of them. My husband’s grandfather served in World War II (Army), and his uncles served in Vietnam (Marine), and God bless them for what they did. Shortly after my husband’s second year long tour, his uncle passed away from his service in Vietnam called agent orange. I remember working at the airport in Colorado, while I was still in college and I met a World War I veteran. He was such a humble man, and on his way to meet his first grandchild. He saw a picture of my husband on a chain around my neck and asked about him. My eyes teared up when he told me to thank him. I said “Sir, with all due respect, it is you that deserves a thank you. He smiled and left with a stuffed animal in hand for his grandchild, (a gift from me.) I think about him a lot to this day, because that man definitely deserved more than what I had purchased for him.
You see, even though I may have came across as how hard things are for military families during this war. I also had many incredible experiences as well, and I have met some of the most honorable people that exist in this world today. And I am proud when I say that one of them lives with me.
My husband and I, along with our daughter recently moved back to the area after he had no choice to be medically discharged from the Army. His injuries he sustained in Iraq, have left him disabled , and frustrated. However it is the memories of his missions that have left their scars on both of us. We lived on a military base for most of his service years and the loss that families have had to endure since the beginning of this war has taken it's toll. There are faces we will never forget and friendships that we will always treasure.
Trying to adjust back to the civilian world has also been hard. We have two grown children that did not move home with us, and our youngest will be entering her high school years. It has been hard on her, to leave a world that allowed her to relate to almost every teenager around her and come to a state where teenagers don't understand her. I will admit, that I am also having same kind of adjustment problems as my daughter. It is hard to explain this to people without them seeming offended. You see, when you live in a place where everybody wears the same uniform, and every spouse knows what the other one is going through just by identifying them by the DOD sticker on their car or the service flag in the windows of their cars, homes and even pins that they wear with pride. It is a scary place when you look around you, and there is nothing to talk about with other people, because it is nothing you can explain unless you have seen it.
I even realized that even our own families don't fully understand the impact that all of this change has had on us. I started looking around for support groups of spouses that feel as I do and even went as far as to call a few of the state senators. I was greeted on the phone at first with a little bit of enthusiasm. But then when I explained to these senators that I was only looking for help on some veteran issues and also looking for some help with connecting with the right people. Well, they were not real thrilled to talk to me, and told me they couldn't help me with any of these things because I was only a spouse and I was not entitled to anything. I told them I did not want anything, and that I was only looking for help for my husband.
After I hung up the phone, I became very angry at what had just happened. How dare these Wisconsin Senators treat me as if I was trying to claim something that was not mine. (as they had brought up the idea that I was trying to get veteran benefits that belonged to my husband.) Let me tell them something, that most people including them, do not want to hear. First of all, I was not trying to claim my husband's benefits. I was trying to help find out where we needed to go to get him some help, as I had just gotten into the state and my husband was still MED boarding in another state. I was also trying to find out if there was any support groups in this state for people with sympathetic PTSD. Do you know what that is? Because I didn't. All I knew was that at any given moment I would break down and cry because of the loss that I had seen and lived. I wanted to find spouses that feel the same way I doin this area. When my husband left for Iraq, I will never forget the first casualty at Fort Carson. I will never forget his face because it was a rude awakening and at the same time a reality check on the whereabouts of my own husband. And then came the second , the third, and finally the numbers grew into the double digits. The casualties were coming in straight from my own husband's unit. And then his phone calls became very sporadic and when this happened, I knew he was going out on more missions. When he finally came home after a year, I knew he was a changed man. His injuries were giving him problems enough, but it was his sleep that troubled me as well. 10 months later, they told him, he was going back and they would deal with his counseling when he came back the second time. So they sent, an already injured soldier with PTSD out for another year. It was during this mission that he lost many more people that were very close to him. My husband was also recommended for two bronze medals. However, the Officers awarded these to themselves, along with the silver stars because the pentagon would only allow them to give out 20 of them per unit. Yes, I am very bitter at the politics of the military. I am resentful at the fact that some of these commanders never ever went out on a convoy, and some even left after a few months in Iraq, and still were handed a medal that should have been pinned on a soldier that deserved it. There was another soldier and I will not say his name because he is still in the military and will retire in three years. (He can't wait!) but, anyway, he was also recommended for a medal and the commanders also skipped over him and went to a unit that they did not even command and handed a soldier that they were trying to promote the bronze medal.
Now before, I get screamed at by some bloggers that don't like what I just wrote. Let me say this! My husband was an NCO that took care of his soldiers, and the other men that were recommended for bronze medals were also NCO's. My husband's soldiers told me that they recommended him because he saved their lives more than once, and I was told in detail some of the things he had done, and I am damn lucky to have him here after the things I was told, so I am not just some wife that thinks my husband deserved a medal and he should have been given one for that reason alone. But I guess, the fact that I am dang proud of what they told me and at the same time wanted to strangle him for endangering his own life on more than four occasions, I will also know, as well as his soldiers what he did out there, even though his command took what was not theirs. We know the truth! Now, on the other side of things, I DO have a lot of respect for a lot of Officers that I have met. However, with these particular ones. There were a lot of cover ups, and some were sent away when word got out about other things they had done. Like, oh, Let's say, possibly the time when two men were stuck in a building and getting ambushed for a few days before their commander would answer the call for help. And when the call was answered. This is what was said."Oh, I'm sorry, I was busy!' These men were in a building, getting ambushed for a few days, and could not get help because thier commander was busy!!! That's all the farther I am going with this particular incident.
Well, this is not exactly where I wanted to go with this blog, but everytime I start writing about our experience, I always end up putting this stuff in there. Then I go and erase it for fear of being retaliated against. However, I no longer fear them because they can't retaliate against my husband, and as for me, well they already know how I feel. They found this out when they were caught pretenfing to be somebody else in a civilian hospital and trying to get access to my daughter's medical records because the Red Cross and notified my husband's command and said that his presence is needed statesdie due to a life threatening situation with our daughter. Well, they told the Red Cross they never got the telegram from them. So I sent another one, and once again, mu husband's command said they didn't get anything. So the Red Cross actually talked to his command on the phone and gave me a confirmation number for it in case they tried to lie again. Guess what! They lied again! But this time I gave the confirmation number to his rear detachment and told them to call Red Cross and find out who is lying. Well they did and ended up apologizing to me for what they were doing to us from Iraq. They never did let my husband come home, they told him he couldn't come to be with his daughter. So, I had to be strong enough for her for both of usm, even though I was falling apart inside. But I did end up telling my husband's captain, that if I ever caught him inpersonating somebody else ever agin to get access to my daughter's files. He would find himself in court faster than his superiors could hide him away like they did to others so they wouldn't get the heat. (Actually, my words were more threatening, but I am not allowed to type like that on this site!)
Well I have been rambling for awhile, and honestly I need to take a break before my blood pressure rises to high. I decided that I am not goin back and erasing anything I just wrote for fear of offending others or getting into trouble. Because it's about time people start knowing the truth on how some of these guys are being treated in a war zone. And believe me, I have a lot more to say before I will be quiet anymore! I am very sorry if I have offended anybody out there. I am writing this blog for therapy reasons and things may come out that people may not want to hear, but these are all facts and names are not being mentioned my intentions are not to start a heated political debate, but to just talk about what happened to us as a family.
